This is an experiment. I have another blog, but it does not leave much room for personal thought or digressions; I like to keep posts there topical and oriented around affordable housing. This space will be more personal, probably less linear and more stream-of-consciousness (always my favorite type of writing anyhow). I will record my thoughts. I will edit minimally. There will probably be a lot of talk about food and habits and goals. Perhaps a mention or two about running. Fear will almost certainly make an appearance. As will cat photos, for which I apologize (sort of) in advance.
I have a tendancy to overthink my writing, to become a perfectionist. Probably because it is the only thing I have ever done well, consistantly. I feel immense pressure to perform. Even my high school chemistry teacher noticed my habit of prioritizing writing well over anything else (this was as he told me I my answers were impeccably written but horribly wrong). So, writing is my passion, my greatest throughline in life and also my greatest stumbling block.
I began writing more or less in earnest around the age of six, when I began asking for diaries as gifts. I still have a few of those original entries to remind mysrlf how mynyoung brain worked – much the same as now, down to the social anxieties. I kept journals on and off throughout my growing-up years (have those ended yet?) , writing more during times of stress. I always agonized over papers for school, but I owe so much to teachers like Mr. Alman (5th grade) who made the class write a one page essay eavh night. Those were among the hardest assignments I ever had, but they taught me the value of persistant writing and the joy of catching a thought with my words.
By the time I graduated college I knew I wanted to be a writer of some sort (at the time I had my heart set on architectural criticism) but I had no idea how to begin. Four years of expensive school and I was still clueless. Social anxiety made it difficult for me to take advantage of resources and connections available. I tried on my own, to small success. I published an article in Architecture Week less than a year after graduation, but didn’t follow up to write another for more than a year after that (and then stopped trying altogether). A lot of my reasons for inconsistency are related to tumult in my personal life. More fear, bad relationships, the conviction I could do no right. I have yet to publish another piece, other than what I have written for my personal websittes or as an unpaid and uncredited intern. All of these things are more stumblimg blocks and more excuses.
I’ve sort of gone off topic here ( if there was a topic to begin). Apologies, although I must say this will probably be the norm. When I write for myself or for friends, I ramble. I enjoy the freedom of not reigning in my thoughts. Also, please don’t think I am a totally fear-ridden individual. I have a life with friends and family, am in a committed relationship, and am engaged in my world. I am not, however, as successful in writing as I would like and I hope this will provide an outlet for experimentation, and for growth.
This is far from the first site I have started for fun, so my track record isn’t great, but this is the first site I have dedicated to my own, imperfect, thoughts. I am hopeful and excited for what is to come. Now off to a phone call with my dearest friend Ilana who recently moved to (and feels stranded in) Seattle.